I am sorry for not showing up.
I am sorry for not being there at your school performance.
I am sorry for not cheering you on at the football games.
I am sorry for choosing my self and desires over your well being.
I am sorry that I did not value you enough to be there.
I apologize for not being the father you deserved.
We all have our things. Some people struggle with alcohol, drugs, lust, food, perversion, perfectionism, internal mental or emotional hang ups and some people struggle with them all. But today the struggle of being fatherless has rung deep. Being that Father’s Day has just passed I feel like its important to share a perspective on the day, the heartaches and unmet expectations behind the greeting cards.
This may not be for you but hopefully it will show some light on the real life situation that many people live with.
I was that kid. The kid who’s dad didn’t show up to the kindergarten play. The one that was put in adult situations at seven years old. The kid that knew all about drinking and drugs before puberty. My dad only came to two games in my whole sport/cheer/dance career, and there were a ton. He wasn’t there with me taking homecoming pictures, he never met my ex, he wasn’t there when I cried about boys, and he wasn’t there when I struggled with friends.
Now when all this was happening and “ruining my life” (you know those dramatic years) I felt abandoned and forgotten. It wasn’t until 8 years later when I finally understood that though my physical dad wasn’t there for those memorable moments, my Heavenly Father was. God was there cheering me on. He was in the midst of all those tears, questions and frustrations.
And He still is. Several years later, I am an adult in a huge transition still with friend and boy questions but instead of putting all the weight and expectation on my dad to answer those questions, because to be honest we know that his earthy wisdom would not compare to heavenly wisdom, I look to the Lord. And I am not mad about it.
I actually appreciate it. What is better than having the God of all the universe answer your questions? Letting Him counsel and comfort you in situations where He is the only one that knows EVERYTHING.
Just as the Lord takes pleasure in us gazing His way, I am now finding that I take pleasure in giving Him all my questions and frustrations. Going to the Heavenly Father breeds so much peace in life. While earthly parents can sometimes cause confusion, relying on God for answers, the one that has unfailing love and kindness towards you, only results in peace. Even if His answer causes discomfort, it is never without a peace.
Now don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my dad and my step dad and I LOVE celebrating them and honoring them for all they have provided and done for me in my life. Honestly, without them I would not be as funny, as witty or as cool of a young woman as I am without their influence. But this particular Father’s Day I reflect on the goodness of God to raise me up. I find myself in a place of great thankfulness that God stepped in to mend my broken heart and teach me the things that my earthly dads couldn’t.
I love them both and I am thankful for their provision and support throughout my life. They had both never had daughters before so I give them grace for not understanding the emotional storms that girls can go through.
Heres to you, the loved, sometimes what feels like forgotten is really only a positioning of greater intimacy with the Lord, who loves and cares about all things that run through your head and heart.
All my love,